"But the service of truth is a passion and a matyrdom, for spirit is the life that itself cuts into life: with its agony it increases its own knowledge" (p.192- The Portable Nietzsche ([notes]).
Since I have been generally fatigued and achy today I have taken a break from setting up my new room at my dad's to engage in more relaxing activities, like listening to music and cuddling with Pooka. Inevitibly this seems to lead to contemplation, philosophizing, reflecting, or some might say thinking "too much." I've heard that line more than once ("you just think too much!")
Well in this case the reflection is of the helpful variety. I was flipping through an "old" journal half looking to get a rough idea of how often I complained about the mysterious itching I have been plagued with for the past couple of years. (Itching is a symptom of Hodgkin's Lymphoma). I found a couple interesting things I would like to share.
On 5.9.07 I wrote, "-dreamt word "tubers" and came across it Eliade [Mircea] next day"
This was five days after I had seen the Flagler Doctor for my itching! (He said it looked like my immune system was freaking out about something and that it was probably stress related).
Not only does "tuber" sound like "tumor," but the definition I just looked up is almost eerily ironic:
tuber (n.)
1. A swollen, fleshy, usually underground stem of a plant, such as the potato, bearing buds from which new plant shoots arise.
2. A rounded projection or swelling; a tubercle.
On 5.11.09 I wrote, "-dreamt recently that I was with some people going to "the mines," but we really went up in elevator (or stairs) very high to this window through which we could see much electricity sparking- wires and machinery."
I guess this one strikes me because of the whole theme of "the way up is down." In other words, that being human, being conscious, means experiencing both the heights and the depths. It also reminds me of the Mayo clinic because they had a very fancy, fast, and far traveling elevator. It was definitely the biggest and tallest building I had been in in a long time. This dream also makes me think of a journey through the body. The tumor is relatively high in my body and in a part associated spiritually with the heart chakra. The heart chakra, for me, is one of the chakras I am most phyically and emotionally and intuitively aware of. Alot goes on in there for me. So traveling to "the mines" suggests something dark and murky- like a hidden tumor and in the dream we travel up, which, in the body is towards the heart, and of course the other upper chakras as well. Electricity makes me think of the heart and the brain. It also makes me think of Spirit and the life force. So even though this cancer experience is in many ways like a trip toa a dreary place like "the mines," it is also electrifying and stirring to life dormant energies within me. That is a possible interpretation anyway.
I would also like to share something else from a journal with you. During a certain couple of weeks in March 2008 St. Augustine experienced a lot of rain. I remember even getting an e-mail warning of hail heading towards a list of locations, including what was literally listed "Anastasia." (For non-St. Augustine people, "Anastasia Island" is part of the city). The hail did come. I remember it hitting the top of my car. Also during this time I came across a certain symbol is multiple places- a symbol unique enough for me to notice this coincidence. It is a circle with a even-legged/armed-cross in the center of it. The tips of the of legs/arms touch the inside edges of the circle.
Anyway, being the curious person I am, of course I looked the symbol up online. What struck me to be most significant was the symbols association the Old Norse god, Odin. He is portrayed in the picture above. The black ravens with him are Huginn ("thought") and Muninn ("memory"). Odin was the god of war and held court in Valhalla, where all brave warriors went after death in battle. Odin was also the god of wisdom, poetry, and magic. He sacrificed an eye for the priviledge of drinking from Mimar, the fountain of wisdom. Odin's three wives were earth goddesses and his oldest son was Thor, the god of thunder.
So......there is tons there that hits home. No need to go into too much detail unless someone is curious. In any case, I wrote that information in my journal on 3.7.08. The next day I wrote this, the last thing I want to share with you today, that is, if you are still awake:
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3.10.08
"Yogi Tea: Love is Ecstasy"
A few things...
First of all, my heart has been acting up big-time and I have been desperately pursuing intoxication in order to avoid feeling the ache. How long will I try to run away from my heart- this heart.
My body feels worn out. It puts up with so much.
I am tired of causing suffering; I truly am.
I keep praying that God will lead me to a place where I can focus on meditation and eventually serving others with all of my heart.
I feel of little use, weak as I am,
in this place, chasing my own tail
round and round and round.
It is not that I want to run away from the world forever.
It is that I am ready to get to the root of things.
I want to feel my heart- but here I am constantly tempted to distraction.
I am so sensitive. I try to hide from it.
My soul needs a safe haven for a while.
I love my family. They will never understand or be able to heal my heart.
Only God can do that, and ultimately, I must alllow it to happen.
I have caused suffering and I have suffered.
I am tired of tossing pain around like a hot potato.
I want to be truly free- and I want this for the sake of everyone,
including the character Anastasia.
Oh Lord, please lead me on the path to freedom. There is nothing I want more, God.
I long to know true, stable, abundant peace.
My whole being longs for this, Lord.
Please, please, hear my tears and aching heart, Lord.
Please have mercy upon me and help me.
It is beginning to look like the Virgin Islands might just be another detour.
No human love or affection is going to satisfy the longing of my heart.
God has put into me a longing, a thirst, that only He can quench.
Please show me the way, O God of my heart!
