Putting away stuff I comandeered today from the community/family garage sale, i stumbled upon a jounal i had left in a box "by accident"- by accident becauase it still has blank pages. It's not finished yet. Flipping through the latest entries (closest to the AZ surprise. haven't written in this journal post-knowing yet), i found so many comments complaining about the itching! That annoying symptom of Hogkin's Lymphoma which i had as of yet no explanation for. i also found some poetry that i would like to share 2night. so much sadness! i'm sorry. i really have not had it that bad at all. i have had a lot of fun. i cannot explain the extent or precise cause of the sorrow. it is no one's fault. it simply has been part of being me. i say "has been" because a lot more joy and natural-in-momentness has been coming into my life lately. And I have noticed. And I am grateful. I think part of me is actually relieved to actually have some sort of explanation. At least for the itching and tiredness, whatnot. I think the building up of the sadness toward knowing is not unconnected. All living creatures have some amount of sixth sense I think. Like animals can sense a tidal wave coming and start fleeing. I think some part of me had been sensing this tidal wave that i am currently experiencing for a quite while. The puzzle is perfect- there is nothing to solve- it is already solved. It is a section of the mandala of existence harmonizing away. Just gotta go through it. Just gotta be in the center. This too shall pass.
June 15, 2008
Are you certain there is an end to
this valley of pain?
Because I've opened the doors
and I can't seem to close them again
So many emotions running through
me like a river
I am soaking in the flow
of the feelings they deliver
Direct deposit to the heart
There is no getting around you, is there?
I must see this through
though it ends, I know not where
Nowhere to Hide
I'm done with that game
I'm here for the Ride
I will face this pain
With all the courage
I can summon
Oh heart of mine
Keep it coming
I am here. I am here.
>>>>>>>>
August 26, 2008
My Love Was Never Tame
I'd love to love you, darling
but I feel so much pain inside
The true me I cannot seem to show you
The true me, I seem to hide
My love is not pure, my love is not true
Ego still tries to sabatoge everything I do
I'd love to love you honey,
but I am an ignorant fool
and yet I am too clever
for my own good
My love is tainted, my love is soiled
By the self-conscious entity who seeks to control
I'd love to love you, baby
but there is a fire burning within
There is a bottemless ocean calling me
and I am preparing to dive in
My love is not for me, my love is not for you
My love is for the un-dying, my love is for living truth
I'd love to love you sir,
but I'd only be playing a game
Truth is, my love was never simple,
my love was never tame
P.S. Plus, I'm terrified of the body.
Both mine and yours.
But mostly mine.
Plus, I'm at war with myself,
Can't you see I am busy
fighting?
I've been at war with myself
for a long, long time
and I'm still not sure who's winning
or what we're fighting for
