So here I am. Some journeys are very personal. They are and they are not. Some people feel compelled to share their rants, some people keep it to themselves. Some people might run out of rants. Or look for one and find there is nothing where the ranting used to be. Someone might be inclined
to change his or her mind
a million times
before realizing that nothing has changed. And at one level, nothing ever does.
Some people live conventional lives, some people tell conveinient lies.
Here, on this plane, this very creative plane, we can dream, we can feel, we can taste, and we can dream dream dream away. We can play with the madness, create something out of something. And it is something because we see it. We observe it. We witness it.
The longing? That ambiguous feeling. Do you think that will ever go away here? On this plane? Or is part of the joy, part of the mystery, part of experiencing oneself as a separate, self-contained Island? Is the longing simply part of the package?
The dream must be convincing. Convincing enough that we can forget our unlimited, infinite nature. Vivid enough that we get pulled in, entranced, by life and the games we tend to play. These games are for the living. These games are for the players. These games are for the experiencers of time.
As I was coloring in my "Tibetan Designs" coloring book, coloring in the rainbow arms of "Thousand-Armed Avalokiteshvara," the thought came to me that, without time and the constraints that come along with it (limits; growth; birth and death; subjective perspective, etc., etc.,), then perhaps there could be no rainbow. As I color in each segment, it is like a single note being played by a huge orchestra. When it is all colored in, it will be like many complementary notes playing at once. The colors don't just jump off the page; they don't just dissapear into the void. Due to the experience of time, due to this collective experiment/experience that we are all in together, I can.......
What was I talking about? I know I was going somewhere with that but I can't seem to jump right back in it. And I don't want to at the moment. I am getting my second chemo treatment right now. (Today will complete "cycle 1" out of 6-8 total ABVD cycles. 2 treatments=1 cycle.) Sarah came by to do the "push" drug- "the A." Its color is dark bright red. The bag the partially filled red liquid was in had warnings on it. It is "Cytotoxic" material. Whatever that means. It means that it is intense stuff. It is the stuff that makes hair fall out. It is also the stuff that kills cancer. It is a poison but it is also a healing nectar.
The lady next to me tried to start talk to me about the temperature in the room and her time at FSU. I replied briefly and put my headphones in. I'm listening to Lamb and writing. I don't feel like talking or listening to another person right now. That's just the truth.
When I get better I want to go places and I want to do things. I am not going to live a conventional life. I am going to see places I have never seen before and do things I have never done. And I am not going to feel guilty about it. I am me. Having seen that the longing is incurable in this world I am going to stop daydreaming about sating it. I am going to let that longing take me many places. Relief can't be found here so I best keep moving. Running away? No, moving. Creating. Leaving behind a trail of smoke as my flame burns brightly its way through this life. Like I do in my dreams. And when I sit still I will be stiller than ever. But when I move I will move like no one else has moved. Stasis and anastasis.
It's okay not be smiling all the time, it's okay not to be friendly and open all the time. It's okay to admit things suck when they do. It's okay to be yourself. Who are you trying to convince? What is this act? "Yes, I am good person, look at me living this normal life. I am perfectly normal." I am a universe. There is no such thing as "normal" in this universe of me. I am who I am and I will be as honest as I can about it. If I feel like it.
The rapid multiplication of cells is what knits our bodies together in the womb. It can also be the cause of our death.
But there are always more causes then simply the apparent cause. Right? Maybe. Of course.
Yes, they did give me more steroids. It's called "Decadron"- it helps one tolerate the chemotherapy drugs. It makes me.....rant.
to change his or her mind
a million times
before realizing that nothing has changed. And at one level, nothing ever does.
Some people live conventional lives, some people tell conveinient lies.
Here, on this plane, this very creative plane, we can dream, we can feel, we can taste, and we can dream dream dream away. We can play with the madness, create something out of something. And it is something because we see it. We observe it. We witness it.
The longing? That ambiguous feeling. Do you think that will ever go away here? On this plane? Or is part of the joy, part of the mystery, part of experiencing oneself as a separate, self-contained Island? Is the longing simply part of the package?
The dream must be convincing. Convincing enough that we can forget our unlimited, infinite nature. Vivid enough that we get pulled in, entranced, by life and the games we tend to play. These games are for the living. These games are for the players. These games are for the experiencers of time.
As I was coloring in my "Tibetan Designs" coloring book, coloring in the rainbow arms of "Thousand-Armed Avalokiteshvara," the thought came to me that, without time and the constraints that come along with it (limits; growth; birth and death; subjective perspective, etc., etc.,), then perhaps there could be no rainbow. As I color in each segment, it is like a single note being played by a huge orchestra. When it is all colored in, it will be like many complementary notes playing at once. The colors don't just jump off the page; they don't just dissapear into the void. Due to the experience of time, due to this collective experiment/experience that we are all in together, I can.......
What was I talking about? I know I was going somewhere with that but I can't seem to jump right back in it. And I don't want to at the moment. I am getting my second chemo treatment right now. (Today will complete "cycle 1" out of 6-8 total ABVD cycles. 2 treatments=1 cycle.) Sarah came by to do the "push" drug- "the A." Its color is dark bright red. The bag the partially filled red liquid was in had warnings on it. It is "Cytotoxic" material. Whatever that means. It means that it is intense stuff. It is the stuff that makes hair fall out. It is also the stuff that kills cancer. It is a poison but it is also a healing nectar.
The lady next to me tried to start talk to me about the temperature in the room and her time at FSU. I replied briefly and put my headphones in. I'm listening to Lamb and writing. I don't feel like talking or listening to another person right now. That's just the truth.
When I get better I want to go places and I want to do things. I am not going to live a conventional life. I am going to see places I have never seen before and do things I have never done. And I am not going to feel guilty about it. I am me. Having seen that the longing is incurable in this world I am going to stop daydreaming about sating it. I am going to let that longing take me many places. Relief can't be found here so I best keep moving. Running away? No, moving. Creating. Leaving behind a trail of smoke as my flame burns brightly its way through this life. Like I do in my dreams. And when I sit still I will be stiller than ever. But when I move I will move like no one else has moved. Stasis and anastasis.
It's okay not be smiling all the time, it's okay not to be friendly and open all the time. It's okay to admit things suck when they do. It's okay to be yourself. Who are you trying to convince? What is this act? "Yes, I am good person, look at me living this normal life. I am perfectly normal." I am a universe. There is no such thing as "normal" in this universe of me. I am who I am and I will be as honest as I can about it. If I feel like it.
The rapid multiplication of cells is what knits our bodies together in the womb. It can also be the cause of our death.
But there are always more causes then simply the apparent cause. Right? Maybe. Of course.
Yes, they did give me more steroids. It's called "Decadron"- it helps one tolerate the chemotherapy drugs. It makes me.....rant.
