I'm frustrated. And tired.
I am happy with the idea of what I am doing and I am glad I am doing it, but I worry a lot.
Not just about my health.
I worry about if I am keeping up with my classes, if I am understanding enough, if I am retaining enough, if I am trying hard enough. Well, trust me, I am trying. Pretty hard.
I wake up at 6:30 every (week) day after all. That, for me, is a big accomplishment.
I realized tonight that I haven't even watched a whole movie, like a fun movie, since I've moved here to Tallahasee. I have seen two documentaries, but they were pretty heavy. Good, but heavy.
I want to keep it positive. Not be all intense about it. But I want to do a good job.
I am also frustrated because today Dr. Warmtuth's office (St. Augustine Cancer Center) called me while I was studying to tell me that my blood looked good (I guess this must be from, not this past weekend, but two weekends ago) except my blood sugar was high. I thought I wrote the number down but now I am questioning that since I cannot seem to find it. I think Cheria (his assistant) said 166. Something like that. This is one of those undesirable Prednisone effects. Apparently having high blood sugar can make one feel lousy and having high blood sugar for long periods of time can also lead to Diabetes and Diabetes can lead to all kinds of other things! Being a human can be so complicated, can't it? And of course, I'm thinking...please not more things to keep track of! Not that I have so many....but I have enough of a challenge with the things I do have, trust me!
So....I need to take life less seriously....yet more seriously. Hmmm.
Maybe I should just watch a good movie and call it a night.
Yeah, right. Well, maybe.
Oh yeah...wow...I had more to complain about but I wasn't even going to!
I forgot.
It may help me if I do.
I was also going to say (1) that every day my chest hurts...and Dr. says that might just be permanant as I do have a significant (in proportion to my body, that is) mass still in my left mediastinum area ; (2) that the end of last weekend/last weekend cut down the Prednisone to 20 mg per day (which is actually great news, especially in light of this high blood sugar business). But it can cause mood swings ; which leads me to (3) mood swing central here. Kind of. Or else I am just losing it.
It's kind of funny how you just have to ultimately accept whatever is happening with you. I mean, I can complain about it, and I do, here and there, which is probably healthy. But mostly, I guess, I just do what I assume everyone else is doing. Everyone is carrying some kind of burden. I think. And I assume that we just do the best we can. I still smile A LOT. I smile at a lot of people every day. And I find myself walking around smiling. Even though some part of me has recently been in or will be in some kind of mental distress soon, maybe even at that very moment. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? Well I may sound crazy, but I see the humor and well, I guess what some people might call the "insanity" of my situation, and the human situation.
I don't fully see it, but I see enough of it to make me laugh. And sometimes cry.
But most of the time I just daydream. A lot.
