To whomever is listening out there...
I am struggling a bit at the moment....In the main I can handle what ever the treatment throws at me, I can handle the side effects however I can't handle the anger that I feel....I can't handle that I may die from what is inside me...
I pray and wonder why God sometimes answers prayers and sometimes he doesn't. What is there that I need to do... Is there someone out there who deserves to have his prayers answered more than I do, Is there a more worthy person than I....
Then I remembered a Rob Bell video...I have watched this a number of times and have started to walk through the anger...part of me wants to hand back the cup and say this is not for me, take it away and put me on a different path and the other part of me wants to accept what has been given to me, what is clearly for me and it is my path wherever it shall lead me!
BUT...What if I take a combination of both paths - I take the path that I am on as I am already on this journey, I continue to learn from it as I have learnt so much already... however I pray that the ending is not set and that I have a long and fruitful future...that is what I am about from here forwards!
This reminds me also of something Minister Lyn said to me and apologies if I don't have this completely right..she said that I am allowed to question the path I may have been given, that god has broad shoulders....I will continue to pray that my path is long...
There, that is better...
I will update next week after my chemo as to what has been happening lately other than me being angry with the world, with God and the universe, angry also with myself for abusing my body for all those years and being overweight and angry at myself for waiting over a year with the symptoms...what I need to make clear is that I am NOT angry with Fran, NOT her fault, so I shall discontinue NOW taking my anger out on her...Sorry!
Tony xxx
