Last week I went to see my boss and had a meeting to discuss how I'm doing. She has been incredibly supportive and assured me that there is no pressure at all and I should only return once I feel well enough to cope.
She also offered me reduced hours, reduced days, any equipment that will help me (special cushion, foot rest etc) and it's made a huge difference to how I feel.
I realised some time ago that I was struggling with guilt...sounds stupid maybe but I reckon people out there with cancer will be able to relate to what I'm saying.
Apart from all the physical stuff you go through with cancer there is also the emotional and financial side of things.
As I said, I realised some time ago that I was struggling with guilt..I felt guilty for being unwell and messing up the finances, guilty for not being at work because of the increased workload put onto my colleagues, guilty for worrying everyone in the family, guilty for not being able to do domestic stuff and watching Rab work all day then come home and sort things out here, guilty when I see/hear about others who are struggling more than me, guilty for just getting cancer.
But then I had a long chat with Hazel a few weeks ago and she helped me to put things into perspective - thank you Haze.
Firstly she told me to 'put to bed' the idea of coming back to work right now simply because I was setting myself unrealistic dead-lines - hence increasing my feelings of guilt when I couldn't meet them.
We also discussed other things which I'm currently putting into place - she gave me a shove when I needed one and I've since been able to start planning again - but in a realistic way now.
So my plans are to do my counselling (when he finally gets back to me with potential dates)...to look into doing some Yoga or similar....keep eating healthily and take my supplements......return to work after the Easter school holidays IF my wound has healed properly and I feel able to.....forget about June until June arrives and then worry about my CEA levels and scans only once I get results....get away for a break (planning on visiting my sister in the summer - more on that nearer the time)
My wound is still healing but it's nowhere near as sore as it was a while ago.
I'd like to say I'm no longer tired out, but truth is I am some days. Again though, it's better than it was a while ago.
I no longer have hormonal headaches (radiotherapy frazzled everything & threw me into immediate menopause) which I've suffered from all my adult life so that's a definite 'YAY' moment :-)
I no longer care if all the housework isn't done on time.
I've made plans and I'm going to move forward over the next few weeks, without a doubt.
