Good afternoon. The wheels in my mind are spinning and I am not sure where I should begin. But I know I want to write. I'll start with the "facts," then stray into the pattern exploring pull of my mind.
The Facts 1 (latest medical consult): I had a doctor's appointment this morning at Mayo in Jacksonville. I went with my mother. I saw Dr. Tunn, who as I believe I have previously mentioned, originially diagnosed me with Hodgkin's. On the office's computer, he looked over what has transpired in the past six months. He saw that my latest PET scans have showed a "complete response" - which means shadowy areas in my body did not "light up" in the pictures. However, he does not like the fact that the mass in my mediastinum is still 11 centimeters. He rounded the original mass up to 18 cm and said, we would like to see at least a 50 percent reduction in the size of the mass. In terms of size, he would not consider me to have had a "complete response." If the pulmonary toxicity resolves sufficiently, he thinks it would be okay to try radiation, or better yet even, proton therapy. However, another option which we might have to look into is (gulp) a bone marrow transplant (also known as a "stem cell transplant" or "stem cell rescue" [SCT]). This is a process that I have read a quite a bit about online, as well as have heard about from fellow Hodger's. An SCT basically consists of (1) removing the stem cells from the body; (2) delivering high-dose chemotherapy; (3) returning the stem cells back to the body. Overall, he sees no problem in taking a month or so to recover from the ABVD, pulmonary toxicity, and see what happens. Perhaps the tumor will shrink further if we leave it alone for a while.
The Facts 2 (latest Anastasia consult): How do I feel? Well, I feel that things aren't quite right in my body. There are aches in my chest (lungs?), a little shortness of breath, fatigue, and the (ugh) occasional night sweat. My face is swollen from the Prednisone and I have gained some weight. I am at 124.4 (which is okay because I like the numbers 24 and 4). I am also subject to the occasional mood swing. I think that my mind has been behaving exceptionally strangely lately, and I would like to attribute this to Prednisone. The good news is that I am breathing and have not grown any ackward facial hair that would make me look weirder than I already do!
The Dreams 1: As far as my psyche goes, all kinds of things seem to be happening there. My dreams lately have been very helpful. People with whom I have experienced conflict (because of some anger or resentment or jealousy on my part- revealed to be, ultimately, ignorance because that person is shown to be quite the same as me - just as vulnerable...just as magical) have recently become my dream friends. Two of these people I have seen and hung out with as friends in more than one dream recently. Another group of people among whom there have been misunderstanding and tensions in my life gathered for a concert in my dream, and all kind of re-connections and harmonizations were somehow established. A deep understanding was present. I had to come as I am now, and even more vulnerable, so I could see clearly and so they could clearly see me.
The Dreams 2: I also occasionally meet with healers in my dreams. These dreams are quite "trippy." In a recent one, I was with the healer on the side of a busy road. It was sort of an audio experience, though we were both right there. I wore headphones and he/she popped in these different discs. He/she recalled our different sessions together, which I didn't remember, but as he/she told me about them, I felt the energy of it. Each session had to do with worshipping different gods- perhaps worshipping isn't quite the right word- but honoring or offering devotion to, or simply connecting with. Somehow connecting with these energies was part of my healing process. I looked up from the work we had been doing and saw the world, busy street and all, without the veil of thought- or whatever veil is normally there, shutting out the magnificant beauty of nature, life, creation- and I was taken aback by the magnificance. It reminded me of trips in altered consciousness. Oh yes, it was beautiful. My healer focused me back to our work. He/she handed me a little grey ball to put into, or hold up to my right ear. In it, was the vibration of a baby's heartbeat, something very cosmic. When I held it up to my ear and beheld the sensation, tears were flowing from my heart to my eyes, I was flowing in the feeling of love and beauty, tenderness. It was emenating off of me- off my higher chakras, like a frequency. The healer remarked on how much my being resonated with this. How this was really helping my healing, helping to open me up.
Myth Meets Me (exploring the patterns): Now, the part where I really go out there. While digging in to what is here. We will start with a "Fact." Dr. Tunn was wearing the same sneakers he wore the last time I met him, six months ago. How do I know this? Why do I remember this? Because on the tongue (I think that is what it is called) of the sneaker, the word "Mephisto" is spelled out in thread. Last time I noted this because in my mind it connects instantly to a fragment of information know about a character in a story. From what I remember in the office, Mephisto is a demon who comes to take a man's soul. (I mentioned this to mom in the car on the way home and she found it slightly disturbing. I tried to explain how it more ironic than it is disturbing. It is the irony I am interested in.....). I just did a little bit of research.
"Mephisto" is a varient of the longer name, "Mephistopheles." Mephistopheles (his name suggests "not a lover of light") is the name of the demon in the Faust legend. "Faust" is latin for "auspicious" or "lucky." Faust is the protagonist of a famous German legend in which Faust makes a pact with the devil in exchange for knowledge. There are many works based off of this legend. Faust or "faustian" has taken on a different connotation that it had originally, and is now used to refer to someone whose head-strong desire for self-fulfillment takes him or her in a diabolical direction. Back to Mephistophles. According to Wikipedia, "Although Mephistopheles appears to Faust as a devil - a worker of Satan- critics claim that he does not search for men to corrupt but come to serve and ultimately collect the souls of those who are already damned" (mom loved that quote...not!).
Another interesting aspect to this legend...is the "24 years" aspect. According to a page about Christopher Marlowe's play, "Dr. Faustus," Faust agrees to sell his soul to Mephistophles (to the devil) in exchange for "twenty-four years during which he will be given a luxiourious life, magical powers, and illicit knowledge of the secrets of the universe. As his time on earth draws to a close, Faustus perceives what heaven means, but still fails to turn to God. Marlowe's conclusion is thus a tragic version of the traditional Morality Play, for instead of achieving the mankind's pious maturity, Faustus is damned perpetually."
So what is so ironic about all this (as it begins to thunder outside, seriously!)? As I am pretty sure I am a character in my story, not the writer Herself, I probably cannot explain exactly why or how this myth connects with my story...but I can tell you a few things. For one thing, I was twenty-four years old when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's (and 24 has long been a significant number in my story). Like Adam/Eve of the Judeo story of creation who sacrifice their existence in paradise, like the Norse God Odin, who sacrifices an eye, Faust sacrifices something for knowledge (and twenty four years)- his soul.
What did I sacrifice to come live this Anastasia story? Infinite existence? Living among higher beings? Helping humans or other beings while in a subtler form? Who knows what I was doing before I was began living this Anastasia story. Probably watching my mom and dad as a young couple thinking....whoa look at those beautiful souls, I want to go hang out with them!
And who is this Mephisto...have I met him before? Is he here to collect? Odin also collects-warriors after battle. (I keep bringing up Odin because my story is also connected to him and his symbols...I think that myth is German too). You see...I am not thinking of "damned" in a pejorative sense. I believe and sense the interconnectedness of all things. To put it very simply the "Devil" is "God" in disquise. I think the "Devil" = fear, the unknown, the void, the abyss, the unconscious, "dark matter." "God"= love, embrace, expansion, connection, creation, conscious, knowledge, matter. Something like that. And they are wrestling with one another, dancing with one another, transforming one another, blessing one another.
So the fact that Dr. Tunn has the word "Mephisto" on his shoes does not lead me to believe I am "damned" in the traditional sense of the word, not at all. I just find it ironic that this large Asian man (a rarity, right?) named Dr. Tunn with Mephisto shoes is looking at me saying the words "bone marrow transplant."
What am I meeting? My destiny. What is my destiny? To be reuinited, to realize the whole. My conscious must meet my unconscious. Light and dark must eventually embrace.
