
All this heart (emotional) stuff keeps coming up. Love and pain. And the heart. Yesterday during Reiki the tears flowed and i felt simultaneously the sadness and the sheer pure sweet beauty of the heart energy, pouring out. I feel like a river. Is there a why? I don't know. I don't where this began. It began long before the diagnosis, before many things. I feel like I am undergoing an intense purification process. Being in this body reminds me of the little plant inside the girl robot in "Wall-E." Love is very gentle, very tender. Like my little puppy. She is like a feathery spirit. Light and prancing, sweet, sleepy, dreamy lil thing. Spunky too. Love, like breaths of air comes in, and goes out. We recieve, give, recieve, give. Life is in the moment. There is nothing to hold on to. It all feels so very precarious, very uncertain. But this is not an accurate, or, more specifically, complete portrayal of the situation. Because there is solidity, there are "odds," there are patterns. But even those have moving elements within them. This realization can be ecstasy. This realization can be terrifying. Who is scared? The ego. Its got its fingers grasped tightly around "something." Oh it tries. It tries to hold on to something, some validation of its reality.
If I were like Pooka (my puppy) then the idea of tomorrow would not trouble me so. For it is simply an idea right now. I feel its approach, but mostly I feel my reaction to its approach. But there's more to it.
Today I just feel/sense the drudgeries of this life. There is so much pain in this world. So many people are suffering. This can be such a harsh world. I love my family and friends so much it hurts. Why do we meet just to have to part again and again? Why do we agree to do this? How do we just keep doing it?
It is hard to feel this much. This time there is no running away.
In normal news, good news, I enjoyed fellowship at Community Church at Vilano today and I also really was blessed to have the piano moved from my mom's house to my dad's (my) house today by the assistance of wonderful, very special, and helpful people. I certainly have a lot of love in my life. I cannot deny that.