Well I'm sitting here drinking a fresh mixture of juiced veggies: one beet, one apple, about 4 celery stalks, handfuls of spinach, a few slices of ginger and a bit of garlic. Yummm. I'm feeling a hundred times better than I did right after chemo. I started feeling a little queasy as soon as I got the decadron, aloxi, benadryl, and tylenol- before the actual chemo! I think I ate too much during the process today because people kept bringing me food and I kept eating it. =) I didn't realize how full I was until I got up to leave. Afterwards I felt "yuck"- uneasy achy stomach, a full-feeling head, and strange feeling lungs. It is just an overall "toxic" feeling. I laid in bed and listened over and over to the same beautiful flute music and a female vocalist with a very ethereal and peaceful voice. Thanks for the healing music Bette! Grateful to be feeling so much better now. Btw, Pooka-bear also went to the doctor today to get some immunizations. She and I have alot in common! =)
So I woke up today feeling quite grumpy and anti-social. I guess the cancer-thing gets old. Everyone is super nice, its just me and my moods. Plus i guess sometimes I kind of like to blend in so I can observe and do my artistic personality thing. Hard to do at the oncologist. Especially since I look like the youngest patient there! It's kind of a long road, but a hopeful one. Today I just came out and asked my doctor what my chances are of completely getting better, and also what my chances are of relapsing. I told him that I was just accepted into FSU's graduate music program (!!) and guess I want to know how reasonable it is for me to set my sights on getting on with my life. The good news is, Dr. Warmuth said that the chance of my getting better is "Excellent" and my chance of relapse is "Low." He thinks I might still be in treatment by September (whew! man.) or even if I'm not, that I might not feel that amazing then. But a future semester, like a spring semester, if FSU does that is reasonable to think about!
So that is great! I am so grateful that my prognosis is so bright and that I have such a nice place to go through this learning experience in. I have to admit though, and I am sure it is perfectly normal, that I am feeling a bit restless. I feel like I have so much growing up to do and that I am still such a foolish kid right now. And I guess part of me just feels like to do certain parts of this growing, I just need to "get out there"! Plus I really miss being in school. I felt so much more productive and purposeful when I was an "official" student. Of course I am still a "student"- a student of life. I think I am just in a weird mood. Tends to come with the chemo. Tis not a piece of cake being a cancer patient, but tis also not the worst thing in the world. Just a process.
I am not entirely out of touch what is going on with the Nation and with the world. I hear bits and pieces of the news, both traditional and alternative sources. It is a lot like my mind- hopeful but also beset by some paranoia- some probably perfectly reasonable and some perhaps born more of the subconscious fear that is the nature of the collective ego. Existence has always been a precarious thing. Part of its strange beauty I guess. Why can't we all just get along? :-p It's my fault isn't it? Ha ha. Delusions of grandiosity anyone?
I'm just being weird.
