I just finished a 550 piece puzzle called "Moonlit Dance." It features a pristine white horse running on the shore of the ocean, over which a full moon rises, and clouds whisper by.
The thing is, I'm better....sooooo much better.....I can breathe again! Yes! ...But I guess I'm not really better enough to do anything much more than what I have been doing for the past couple of weeks now....eat three meals per day, swallow pills, play scrabble, read books, do puzzles, sit around, lay around, you know the stuff. I haven't even driven my car in a couple of weeks. Right now it is trapped behind my sister's. I'm in my pajamas, I'm not going anywhere. When I asked my oncologist yesterday when I could go out to hear live music and have a glass of wine with my friends, he laughed. He said..."I feel like it always comes back to this." Well? Can I help it if I miss having a good time? He said that it would be best to wait....through this two weeks.....and then through the final month of treatment. I sense there are a lot of puzzles in my future.....
There is this idea that I am this creative person....and sometimes I am......but sometimes I just am not in the mood. I don't know why but cancer and pulmonary toxicity, you know straddling the edge of life and death, is not as inspiring as I thought it might be. It is hard to be creative when you are scared. It is also hard to be creative when you are bored. Right now it feels like my life see-saw is going from scared to bored, from scared to bored. It is really bizarre. I feel....stubborn and lethargic with a haze of slight grumpiness in the background. These prednisone pills are not giving me the "elated" feeling that I heard they could give, nor are they keeping me awake at night. I am glad that they are helping my lungs. That is the purpose of my taking them.
I finished a collegiate scholarship application last night, along with the four essays, recommendation letters, the whole package. It felt good to accomplish something. I haven't heard from FSU. I sent an appeal in to the head of the music department, a request to delay my beginning of classes until January 2010. I sure hope it all works out. If it doesn't, I will do something else. Got to use every last drop of this life force of mine. It doesn't have to be what I hoped it would be or thought it would be. Someday the pain of longing for what I don't have will fall away and I will realize, with my entire being that I am precisely where I need to be, doing exactly what I am doing at that very moment. I am sorry that I feel jealous of other people whose lives seem to be unfolding more smoothly, more conventionally, more naturally, with more love. I dislike feeling that way as well as I dislike the feeling of regret for having made the "wrong" decisions- the decisions that brought me here, doing puzzles, swallowing pills, watching my cooped up mind repetatively rewind, as the long day slowly turns into night.
Just some thoughts. That is all they are.
