Red. Today there was blood. It's called a "culture." It's different than the usual "CBC." It was hard to get the blood. My vein was being very stubborn. I was being very stubborn. I was in a bad mood. Tired of being sick, tired of riding the fever merry go round, tired of being in medical facilties. So I got teary and I got quiet. If you can't say something nice, there is a good chance that you should not say anything at all. Especially if you are me. Sometimes the feeling goes very deep....this deep feeling of utter abandonment and neglect. Like....looked over by the universe or God or something. When I go deeply into that very human feeling there is a strange comfort. It's like hitting emotional rock bottom. Except I don't think there is a bottom. It is just an expanse of feeling. It opens up my heart. I feel that pain as though I were the other people that feel and have felt that way. People who are not even given a chance to live. People who are looked over and abandoned. People who are absolutely equal to me and as deserving as anyone of love and care. On one level I guess I am like, "wah, wah, poor me," but on another, in those moments, I really feel that feeling, that mournful feeling. It is deep....and surrendering to it somehow makes me stronger. When mom and I got back to our car, the window of the car next to ours featured a sticker that said "no crybabies." Ha ha funny universe.
I am not sure when we will know the results of the blood cultures. It could be a few days. The cultures test for infections in the blood stream. In the meantime, since I keep getting hit with fever (everywhere between 101-104), the on call oncologist has called in another prescription of Levaquon for me. My mom is taking very wonderful care of me. So are the dogs.
In other news, I have quickly become addicted to iphone scabble. Playing against "CPU," or other players through Facebook. It is fun! Yahtzee was desigined interestingly, but the actual game gets pretty boring, since there is not much too it. Scrabble is my fave right now.
Anastasia Loves You
