are thoughts.
Externally I have been so quiet lately. I barely feel the desire to talk...often I don't really have anything to say. But here I am...pushing out words. My internal world is strange. Different lines of thoughts, images, sensations, stumbling over one another. I meditated for a bit tonight. Been running away from being quiet with myself. It was not so bad to sit still, no distractions. The madness doesn't go away...but it feels less like me. It goes on without me....and I keep sitting here.
What is the impulse to keep feeding yourself even when not hungry. to take medicine you don't really need, to have a drink you don't really need? I guess that is hiding...it is trying to find comfort in something external from yourself. None of those things gives lasting refuge. Refuge? Here?
The problem with my mind: that it seems like there is always a problem! It always seems like it is trying to work something out...like its busy wrestling with some question. A tortured concience: check. Anger in dreams: check. Ackward human: check.
That dream that I wrote about last time is so me. I struggle with the weight of that feeling a lot! Especially since HL. Like last night I had a dream in which I got very upset and angry, then in my half-sleep, my tumor site was aching. So then I have thoughts that worry that it is my fault I have this, that I brought this upon myself for holding anger, or for thinking negatively, etc., etc.,
Well?
I am pretty sure that is bull****. I don't know. Obviously there are miserable people who don't get cancer. And there are people who get cancer who are not miserable. And even if a person is miserable it is probably not their fault.
This thing is is just clearing the way.
It is just what is happening right now, on one level, from one perspective.
It is not anyone's fault. It is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a thing that will pass.
