Friday was fun. My gig at Scarlett's went very well! It was great seeing "old" friends and also meeting new ones! I enjoyed playing very much though I was certainly worn out by the end of the night. It was also fun making some money for a change! :) It's been a while since I've done that! I am grateful to have had help with setting up and breaking down too! My friends and family are the best!!!! There were also canine friends present: Pooka and Rollo! Cuties. :)
The pic of the airplane above is because I often dream of airplanes and airports these days. The past two nights in a row, in fact. My dad and I (sorry mom!) were packing up to go somewhere in my dream last night. Maybe these dreams mean I am going to go visit my sister Tiffany in New York soon??? :) I miss her and I would love to go visit her!!
To give an update on the raditation situation: this past week went much more smoothly than the week before. My doctor even commented, on our Wednesday per-protocol mandated visit, "I miss our daily chats!" Ha ha. That is because, like I said, every day the week before this last one I had to be basically talked into getting treatment. Anyway, according to Thursday's CT scan, my residual tumor (dead tisssue!) has not shrunk since the beginning of treatment. It is still 8 by 5 cm.
I might have my last treatment this coming Thursday. I figured it out, and with 1.8 grey per day, by this coming Thursday (my 17th treatment), I will have had over 30 grey. The protocol has me down for 36 grey, the last 6 grey being what they call a "boost"- straight to only the residual tumor, but Dr. H said he wouldn't come to St. Aug and "drag" me to treatment if I chose to forgo the boost. He wanted me to at least get the 30 grey in though.
The reasons I might skip the last six grey are because (1) pulmonary toxicity, if it happens, tends to happen in months 1-4 after treatment. I am not planning on this happening, but if it does, I think it would be easier for my lungs to recover if I had less radiation rather than more. (2) the tumor has not shrunk....is 6 grey going to really make that huge of a difference? (3) the area that is being radiated feels weird sometimes. When I am laying in bed before sleep, it feels numb and heavy. It scares me. I feel like I am doing the right thing having the radiation, but wouldn't it be better to stop at 30 rather than 36?
I don't know if these reasons really make that great of sense. Lately I feel like I don't make the greatest of sense. *Sigh.* I've been feeling quite a bit of anxiety, in general. I went out to buy something yesterday and I felt so nervous just counting out the money to pay! I felt like it took me so long to count out the bills (they WERE a disorganized mess...but still). Ah, it is a temporary state. I think I am a bit paranoid about my sanity (ha ha that is a funny way to put it). I have heard from a cancer survivor that cancer "made him crazy." And the other day someone told me that chemo made his girlfriend's mother crazy. And I...well...I already doubted my sanity before this whole cancer thing happened!
Yes I am probably being overly dramatic. This whole ordeal would be a big plate for anyone...the mind can only take so much. I think my mind is fine, just kind of frazzled. And there is real fear there, but it plays games and stuff to distract it from the fear of pain, death, and the unknown. It is just holding on for dear life. We can't really blame it; it is just doing what minds do. But I can say, rationally, that life is resilient, I am resilient. There is plenty of reason to say that I will be able to say goodbye to cancer for good and move on with my life. There is plenty of reason to tell my mind that it is all okay, nothing has really changed, this is all an illusion, including fear and the games it plays to avoid facing it.
And I know I am caught up in the illusion. I am. I am dining on it. It is my portion. But it is good, because it exists, therefore I do. I think it is a part of me. I think it is a necessary part of me. It is also that gaping hole of nothingness over which I feel myself to be hovering that causes me such anxiety. But it is okay. I came here to feel. I am here to feel...
And to drink Shocktop, apparently! In tune with the theme of illusion I am giving myself a weekend of comfort. I have not worn any thing but pajamas (except to go walk a friend's dog yesterday). My hair is a wild mess (yay!), I have no idea where my phone is. I am gradually working my way through Season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and through a 6-pack of Shocktop (which, yes, is the thing I went to buy the other day and was so "nervous" about). Oh yes, and each day I slept in, of course! Aside from the constant unrelenting anxiety (I am exaggerating here), I am enjoying my lazy weekend.
Wow this is the most writing I've done in a while. This is fun. FYI, I have only had one beer today. I am not drunk-writing, or drunk-blogging, or whatever.
But it is time for me to "talk" about my mom. :)
Mom, I just want to say that I L-O-V-E you bigtime!
You are awesome. And I am so glad that you and Pooka came and hung out at Scarlett's during my gig on Friday. I love the crazy and fun experience that living with you is. We hardly ever argue, but even when we do, it usually ends up being funny somehow. :p And your garden is looking beautiful! XoXoXo.
How was that? :)
