Today was nice, hence the title "A Nice Day."I woke up dreaming that I was sketching very beautiful illustrations of animals on my Music Theory homework. Much better than I actually draw! It was fun to partake in. One of the animals was a two-headed snow lepoard kind of creature. Pretty cool! Still, or perhaps because of having such a nice dream, I felt a little cranky getting up. I was like that all weekend! (I slept in until 3pm on Saturday and Sunday). But today, I had places to go and things to do, and it was good for me. I picked out an outfit I liked and wore make up today. Doing little things that make you feel good are really good sometimes. Our music theory teacher brought in a special Mardi Gras treat- a very sweet breakfast pastry, some with purple, bright green, and I think even orange, frosting, and sugary sprinkles. We had a review, which was helpful. And he is very helpful with answering questions. The subjects within Music Theory that I struggle with the most are: meter and intervals, I would say. The challenge with timing makes sense to me...it is not unlike a challenge with directions or learning a dance or feeling disjointed from reality in general. Like the whole world is moving and I can't seem to step along in time with it. I understand stuggles with timing. But I also understand that I have the potential to, LEARN new things and new ways of being. Whoa, amazing concept, but it is true. Just coming with an attitude of openess and willingness to see new things, or to see old things, but with new eyes. That is all it really takes, in a sense. That sounds kind of general because I am actually talking about a few things at once. It is hard to let go of patterns...of thinking and being. But we have the strength to do it because of attention. It is still pretty mysterious to me, but I realized today that I had just been addicted to, lately, an anxiety and rather guilty kind of thoughts. When I arrived at Music Theory (it's my first class) and I noticed I wasn't panting for breath as I usually was, part of me took notice of that, even though I have kind of been in a mental funk. Part of me was like, "Whoa, I'm not panting! And my body actually feels pretty good! That is a good thing." And I was grateful. As far as thoughts go...I don't know I just decided to proceed and ignore to the best of my ability. I realized that I have been living alone and I am a creative person. Obviously, as you can probably tell, I think a lot. And I thought...it is just human to create ideas and thoughts if you feel lonely. It is not fair to myself to suggest that I am crazy because I have a lot of thoughts. Or to suggest it to myself in a way that would make myself think that I wouldn't love myself even if I were crazy. (Now I probably really do sound crazy). But I realized that is a huge part...I've got to love myself no matter what. Even if I never do another "worthwhile" thing in my life. I am more than what I can produce or how well I can perform, on any level. How could I possibly treat my own self as a commodity? Acting or thinking from such a poverty-stricken psychological state. Not a commodity exactly...I just sometimes (well often lately) feel anxious/bad about not making any money and being sort of an...ahh, I just don't feel like I am contributing enough to the human race, to my previous or coming or current generation. Like I am taking more than I am giving. But that is a heavy burden of thoughts to put on myself. And today I gave myself a break. Sort of a self-talk. And told myself I would love myself no matter what. And I vaccummed and cleaned. Exercised and ate a good dinner. Went to chorale rehearsal and (tried my best, anyway, to) sing Beethoven music. Now I'm back home and I ate more food. And now, I am tired. So I am going to get ready for bed. Thanks for listening and I hope you all had a good Monday.
