Hey, online friends. It's been a while but I was looking at at my most recent posts and it made me want to write one! I haven't been writing very much at all, though I have come close. I have recently had the urge to draw/color actually, but I need to find some colored pencils first. And a blank book. I have lots of half or barely started blank books and journals but...where? Somewhere. Different places across which artifacts from life are scattered like the aftermath of a friendly tornado? But I'm here at "my man"'s place. He will never read this so I can write about him. A little bit. He has been on the phone for a long time talking in Turkish so I have no idea what he is talking about. Melodically, I always seem to miss when he says good bye to someone, or ends a conversation, in other words. I mean...it doesn't sound final in the way I am used to I guess. To me, it is like...that was the end? It sounds like they were in the middle of a conversation still. I sort of percieve the music in a similar way...the end is more recognizable..but the end of phrase going to another? A little strange to me...like the music doesn't sound like there is a resting place in between things...a very continuous intensity of musical expression...or something. Maybe I am just full of it. Ha ha. I have challenges analyzing Western music, so I am way out of my league here.Speaking of music analysis, Theory 2 is going very well. We are now only a week and half from our Final...crazy! I actually got a 100 on the mid-term to my amazement. Go me. :) The extra credit question had something to do with that. My other class, Arts in Medicine (AIMS) has gotten of to a particular slow and drawn out start for me. Today was the first day I actually put in time volunteering at the hospital. I sang songs and played guitar for an hour and a half in the Atrium area (entrance/cafe). It went well and I am glad I did it. I still have about 20 hours to go, but I am now off and running! Well...in a "one step at a time" kind of way. Last Tuesday was going to be my first day of volunteering and the plan was one hour in oncology, then an hour in Diabetes, then a half hour playing in the Atrium. I didn't even make it to Oncology, though. I took the wrong elevator, got off on a random floor (I was actually looking for a supply closet we are supposed to go to first to get activities to do with the patients), then sat in a chair and really felt like crying. I ended up walking out to parking garage and sitting on a cement island thing with my guitar for probably 20 minutes. There was no one else out there. I did my crying, found my car, and drove away. I went to have sushi. Yum. I didn't expect to have such a strong emotional reaction, but I never know what to expect, really! I felt upset and a strong resistance to going to the floor and continuing with what I was supposed to do. I e-mailed my teacher and explained to her what had happened. She was very understanding. She knows me already from Rech Tech last semester. She said that if I wanted to just spend my volunteer time playing in the Atrium for now, that would be fine. This way I can get used to setting a bit more, and when I feel comfortable I can venture on to one of the floors, perhaps oncology. See, I thought that since I had been a cancer patient I would be particularly suited to spend time with current cancer patients, but the thing I forgot was the sadness. I forgot that my first few times at chemo I cried a lot. And during the cancer thing I cried a lot. I had fun times too, but there were some very sad moments of grief. The last time (before this weekend) that I went to the St. Aug Cancer Center, just to get my port flushed, I started crying also. So....as much as it feels during other times that I have "gotten over it," whatever that means, that sadness is still a part of me. It is okay to be sad sometimes, I think that is absolutely fine and normal. But, in the AIMS situation, obviously I am not there to cry! That would not be appropriate. I remember how pissed I felt when the girl who checked me out at the Arizona Emergency place started crying and talking about her brother who had cancer! I even felt pissed when a therapist I went to started crying. It is a strange reaction I guess..the anger...I don't if it was because I felt like they were pitying me or that it made me feel like a lost case or that it wasn't their place to cry, but, "rational" is not really the nature of emotions, and...I diverge. The point is, I am going to have to face this, but I will give myself time to ease into it.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the picture above was taken at Lake Ella here in Tallahassee over a month ago. It is a very pretty area to exercise, relax, have a picnic, do homework, etc. There is also a cute shop there called "Quarter Moon" and an artsy coffee place called "Black Dog."
In other news, I went to see Dr. Warmuth, my onc. in St. Augustine, this past Friday. I had blood taken and was scheduled for a CT scan. The scan will happen June 25. If the scan is clean, then I can have my port removed! Yahoo! The port is nice for some things, like blood work, and if you have to have intervenous stuff like chemo it is a modern luxury (necessity in my opinion!). But...if one is finished with these things then....one would like their third nipple removed please. Anyway, you may be wondering, why a CT, why not a PET? Well, these days, doctors are trying to cut back on PET scans I believe because of the amount of radiation they emit. I think they are also more expensive. I am glad that I am getting checked up on though. I will feel so much better when I see this clean scan!! At least that it what I think.
Okay now it is getting late. And if I stay up late I will get more hungry. And if I get much more hungry I will want to eat. But it is too late to be eating. So I will go to sleep. Oh yeah...and I have a practice exam tomorrow. Details, details.
Love.
