I wanted to pretend I didn't have cancer any more - it's just 'gone away' all by itself and I wanted to just go back to being normal again - so I did.
Now back to face reality again - I DO have cancer, it HASN'T gone away (either all by itself or with help) but I am normal - the new normal ....:-)
I've done lots of thinking over the weekend and one of the things I was struggling with is/was guilt....
You all know that I've not wanted to have this operation (and still don't 'want' it either) but at times I've found myself thinking how completely selfish I am - simply because this operation gives me a chance to attempt to get rid of this disease...other people don't have that chance.
For them no operation is going to get rid of their cancer and then I feel totally selfish for being pissed off that I've at least been given a chance via the operation.
Someone (you know who you are.....but you're too shy to comment on my blog) helped me with this over the weekend - she helped me put this into perspective and I'm grateful for that.
What she said was:-
"Yes, there are people worse off than you. But I always think - so what? There are people better off too. I don't think it helps to try to think of those who are worse off. You have to be able to feel all the emotions you are going through without feeling guilty for having them"....
At that point, it all just clicked into place...There ARE people better off than me and they're not spending all their time feeling bad because they're well - so I need to move away from the guilt and accept that my feelings about this op are MY feelings and I'm entitled to have them and sod the guilt.....
Human nature is a funny thing really.
Thank you K for that piece of advice, it meant more than you probably realised at the time :-)
Anyway, I've had a letter from the psychology department at the hospital asking me to contact them to sort out my counselling for both pre surgery and post surgery...So I'll sort that out this week sometime.
At least I can now say 'I need help with the procedure, but not with the guilt' :-)))
I asked for the counselling because I know I need professional help with coming to terms with all this.
So on Friday I get two letters from the hospital - first one is a copy of a letter from my surgeon to my GP so it's full of stuff about the operation, PET scan etc and talking about carrying out my op by the end of September - No reaction from me - just read it and put it to one side.
Then I open the second letter and it's from the psychology department asking me to contact them with regard to counselling - and I start to cry.
WHY the hell am I crying? I ASKED for this appointment for goodness sake...surely I should be crying about the first letter - not the bit I actually want to do.
Sometimes I have no idea what's wrong with me any more :-))
