Allright, it's Valentine's Day, whatever that means. Actually I've read a little bit about it. Along with Friday the 13th. Both have associations with the Christian tradition as well as other traditions/superstitions/memories/numerology beliefs.
I've got to say, I am one blessed loved girl. This great guy Justin made my day and utterly surprised me when a huge boquet of roses, a cuddly stuffed bear animal (which Koshi [golden retriever]) literally immediately tried to steal from my hands (she thinks all stuffed animals are for her), a boxful of chocolates (someone will eat em'!), and a bottle of sulfite-free Pinot-Noir, showed up unexpected at my door. Justin is at work right, now, working hard, contributing to many others' Happy Valentine's Day. I woke up sad, though I wish I was just automatically happy. I would be, if I could be, trust me, people. This Valentine's surprise was a delightful treat though. And I don't care what the doc's say. This bottle of wine is going down my hatch, I'm not on chemo yet. (Though I did wake up today thinking it was time to go get the port implanted.) And yes, it is cheering my heart. There is more to life than surviving. There is also making the best of it. And I will not let anyone squash that joy for me. I want to taste freedom while I can.
But dreams....oh dreams. I have a recurring one. It keeps happening. In the midst of this dream, I often realize I am dreaming. It always involves me trying to return to my apartment and it having been totally changed, almost to the extent that I cannot recognize it. It is bizzare. In dreams, I cannot find my home. It is always moving time. Last night I had a dream that I woke up to a new roomate who was male. I was excited, there was an immediate attraction and he was QUITE forthcoming about it. In my state, I was feeling into it too, quite a bit, except for all the bull**** about girls having to act a certain way in order to remain respectability, or even attractiveness to the opposite sex. Which ****ing sucks. Even in my dream, this was a hindrance. I held back. I knew he wouldn't like me as much if I gave into both of our desires.
Wierdness and much frustration. It's definitely NOT FAIR. We're all human here. We all need love and a good **** every once in a while. Too bad it comes along with all these foolish games. And too bad I am a girl. Well there is good reason for it I am sure. I'm sorry. It's just Valentine's Day and I am burning up like the crazy flame I am. I love writing though. Writing can be my lover right now. I can be patient. I can wait. What else am I gonna do? Love what is here, love what is now, to the extent that I can. I don't want to piss anyone off or hurt anyone else. I just want some love!
You know I love you, God, but you are not a physcial being and unfortunately I, at the moment, am.
I also have to say thank you Trevor cuz I know you will go out and have a good time with me if we can make it happen. I know I am loved. I am just particularly insatiable and hungry for good love at this ridiculous, irrational, death courting state I am currently in.
Just being honest here.
