(Listenin to Sade "Lover's Rock" right now). The big illusion is that we are each separate. This maintaines the delicate or profound tension that "holds the stars apart." A blessed miracle and a desert of endless thirst. Oh God. I am wrestling with this illusion, this maya, rolling around over and over, plugged into this turning wheel of endless spinning, aching, ecstasy, heartbreaks, moments, glimpses, eclipses.
We are one. We are One. It is so beautiful and so aching. Such tenderness emerges from the illusion we partake in. Oh God. If we can strech ourselves like a bridge from arm to arm; mind to mind; hand to hand; heart to heart. We get the glimpse. This constant pumping heart, what a miracle. This mysterious electricity that keeps it all going, what a mystery.
I am not alone in this, yet I am. Both are true. Both feel true. To be united....tastes of this union. Cannot stay here. Cannot cling to even this. Cuz I am HERE NOW. And right NOW I feel alone. Thrown, tossed, torn, back and forth- from complete embrace and consuming light filling the room- to the equally familiar unseen, unheard, uncensored tears that pour silently when no one can see, hardly even little ol' me. There is such an intense urge to flee that feeling...the vulnerability that feels like a noose tightening around my neck. You are doing this because you love me, but, Lord, I don't understand it. Or I won't place all this on you. If I have a hand in creating my own reality, then I am doing this because I love me....but still I don't understand. I am still so ignorant.
Why this unquenchable loniliness? Why why why? If you love us so much why do you let us feel so such aching? Or is it self-imposed? Am I just looking for someone to blame it on....someone who can handle it and brush it off like an annoying fly....an omnipotent father figure deity who has way too much going on to listen to me gripe, complain, and cry. But will have to hear it anyway. At the same time, if others are me and I am them, ultimately, then this big game is all on purpose, all of it. And it is all a big trip.In that case, I chose this willingly. But God I still believe in you. Lord, are you breaking me down until I have nothing? Until I AM NOTHING?
I just want to float. I don't want to play this game anymore...or maybe I do. Just let me go. Please just let me go. Or if you will not, at least give me the strength and happy brain chemicals to make it through this darkness, this tunnel of despair. No one can help me but you or me. If you are real, if you are beneficient, it you are teaching me something invaluable through this desert of despair, then please help me to SEE. Please show me as you have shown me before. And please give me the SIGHT to SEE. And if I am ignorant, selfish, and blind, being the simple human I most certainly am, then please help me to SNAP OUT OF IT. You gave me this gift, this curse, this stage, this mind. Don't leave me alone with it. HELP ME out of this dispair.
I am overwhelmed with contradictory feelings, animal, primitive, genius, loniliness, passion, and overwhelming, transcendent beauty. If you gave this package for to me to carry, then PLEASE HELP ME bear it with grace and rationality.
I am sorry for having done the stupid things I have done. I am sorry for whatever I have done to my brothers and sisters out of my own ignorance and desperation. I need your help. This loniliness is terrible, though, you know it is! If you were here, then you know how this feels. PLEASE give me a break for Heaven's sake! You don't have to change anything.....just help me to SEE again. OPEN THESE EYES PLEASE! And do something about my HEART. It feels like it is being torn into a million pieces.
I am sorry if I am sounding like a spoiled brat. I can't help it. This is where I am right now.
