Oh boy I've got a lot to tell you guys, but it is likely that you will think I am crazy, if you do not already. Or, if you just weren't sure if I was crazy or not, it is likely that you will come to a decision. I'll "explain" the painting above in a little while. In other words I will impose the interpretation that has been unfolding to me since I received this from a nice guy and talented artist I used to know named **** **** who gave me my first taste of shrooms. This was back in 2003.Now....the breaking news. At 11:33 P.M. on 02.27.09 I realized that my friend Justin (he's hung in there for a while) is my soul-mate. I realized that he was genuinely, truly, honestly, fully, utterly in love with me. And I was able to open my heart and believe, trust, and be inspired by his true love. His true love brought out my true love, and the fear and tenseness melted from me when I looked into his eyes and saw the Divine Lover looking back at me. It was a spiritual experience. Falling in love is a spiritual experience. Soul-mates are real. I couldn't believe it, yet I could. What could be classified as the "worst" month of my life has also become the "best" month of my life. My Love has found me and I can see him! I can feel his love for me is the real thing. So I can love him back with my whole heart, body, mind, and soul! And we are taking things real slow. I have never felt like this before. I have never had a relationship like this before. It is a miracle. And yet it is real. This is real. As real as real gets. Praise God! Thank you Jesus!
By the end of our time toge,ther last night we were practically reading eachother's minds. We think in the same zany, symbolic, artistic, poetic, "mathematic" way. It's crazy. I have never met someone who could play with me on that level so evenly- so spontaneouly and symmetrically. We understand the strange things the other one says! (Most people usually just look at me a little funny or keep their distance.) It is like I finally found someone who speaks the same language as me. I am not scared of him and he is not scared of me! He is going to be with me at chemo this Wednesday. I did not ask, he told me that he is going to be there with me. I want to live, I really want to live from my heart now. The feeling in my body has changed. When I feel the love the fear runs away, the tension melts. I didn't realized how "uptight" I was used to being. That is why I drank so much. To chase the tension away. Now I have a natural cure! And, get this, Justin doesn't really like to drink! Ha! He is perfect, perfect, perfect. And he came along at the perfect time. Last month I would not have been open/clear enough to see the truth of love- that love is real and that love is here. I believed in love philosophically and I prayed for true love in human form from the depths of my broken heart many, many times, but it had not come to me/I had not realized it yet, not in the way I do now.
The polarities are real and they are realized in the here and now. When I am in the place that is real and you are in the place that is real we are one. Justin and I can both be in that place together. And that is amazing and yet it make perfect sense. God is real. Love is real. The Tao is real. We can live it. We can realize it. We can manifest it. It can manifest us. Hallelujah!
The picture above? As I mentioned, it was given to me (left on my doorstep) by a friend in 2003, when I lived in Riverside (in Jax.) It's meaning for my life has unfolded for me in steps, during moments, interspresed, since I recieved it. The first thing that came to me is it (mind you, this just one interpretation) represents the geograpical journey of my life from Rochester, NY to St. Augustine, Florida. See the thing that looks like a smoke stack, pumpin smoke? Rochester had plenty of those. It was home to both Xerox and Kodak. There is more in the picture that seems to represent industry. The machinery looking stuff. Now, in the lower right corner there is a thing that looks like a wing, like Florida. That is where I lived 1994, since I was 10.
The next thing that came to me about the painting came to me when I was in an altered state, years later, in my old downtown apartment in St. Aug. It was on my wall and I was laying in bed, staring at it with my glasses off. If I look at it without my glasses I realized that it looks like a heart that is half black and half white, positioned diagonally. The "3" of the is pointed toward the right top corner. The "<" of the heart is pointed toward the left bottom corner. So I realized on that day that this painting is also a symbol of perfect harmony, balance, like the yin-yang. The last (?) puzzle....what do the numbers mean? I have wondered about this and could not make any sense of them until last night. "1134011." (This is where you guys that aren't sure if I am crazy might decide I am....I have a thing for numbers). 1 + 1= 2. 3 + 4 + 0 + 1 + 1= 9. 2/9. February, 2009. February, '09. The "best" and "worst" month of my life.
There is one more ironic thing about this painting that I am currently aware of. If you look at the painting closely, you can see those things that look like a honeycomb/behive. They look like that even more close up, when you can see the smaller details. Well, this Christmas I drew and colored a picture of a bee-butterfly-goddess-woman and I free-wrote on the back a "story" about her. Alot of the "story" had to do with the creative process of making "golden honey"- ambrosia, soma, the philosopher's stone. I named her the "Queen Bee" - and she tells us to "Just Bee." Anyway, I gave a copy of this artwork to my mother in a frame for Christmas along with a copy of the "story." Turns out my mom's name (Debbi) means "Queen Bee." About a month later I was driving to Orlando, thinking about what I had read on Wikipedia about queen bees (after I had done the art) and a car passed me with a lisence plate that said "Queen Bee."
So, there you have it. Yes, I am completely crazy, yet entirely sane. Well mostly sane. No, seriously, I am lucid. I just have a mind that makes associations like it is its job and perhaps it is. =)
Now, one more thing. Justin and I realized this together (I'm telling you, we speak the same language!). 11:33, 2.27.9. Except for the 2's, they are all odd numbers. I am an even girl (4.24.84 is my bday, etc.). The oddness of the significant times and days (landmarks) (even the date I discovered my tumor 2.1.9) are like the completion to my even-ness! The 2 represents 2 becoming 1. The 2 is the polarities coming together to dance. The 2 is 2 soulmates finding one another.
A few more cool things about Justin. (Trust me, I don't fall easily. Well not like this. (Indeed, I am a stubborn Taurus about certain things.) It has been years since I have opened up to another human being in this way [and they have totally opened up and offered their unconditional love to me] The heart way.) His bday is 10.15.87. My sis's is 10.8.86 and my dad's is 10.13.55. They are all libras----all about balance. And they are a balance to me! Another thing, Justin wears glasses, so do I, so does my dad. Justin loves (and is a pro at) math and computers....so does/is my dad! Justin's middle name is "Wayne" and so is my dad's! Plus he's got the dark hair and eyes so he fits right in. It is like he has been a part of my family all along, we had just never met.
So.......that's a lot to leave you with, but I hope you are rejoicing with me. If you try to talk me out of this you will not succeed! Ha ha ha ha. I love you all!
From Cloud 24,
The Real Anastasia
P.S. Oh yeah....forgot to mention the obvious. Realized this as I was moving into my dad's. "Critial Mass." It hardly needs explaining. I've got one in my chest at the moment. And also my heart got to a "critical mass" - that is a turning point where something's got to happen. And what happened is it opened and I fell in love with J-Berry. (Justin Asbury).
