See My Angels? (Look Below)
So I am sort of researching myself. Lazily, gradually. The doctors may be able to x-ray my body but they can't x-ray my soul. Ha ha. Honestly, the reason I picked up the journal I picked up and flipped through while in the tub today, I picked up because I was curious to see how long the clues have been given regarding this tumor thing. (I probably shouldn't read this **** [my old journals] because something about it [could it be how freaking obvlious I was and how immature a certain person was?] pisses me off. How does one truly forgive? Especially if the other person does not even think they did anything wrong? To harbor resentment only hurts the harbor-er.) Anyway, back to the "medical" research. A few pages in I read: "The other day I went to the doctor and I got my blood redrawn and there are too many of a certain kind of [cell], too much of another (allergens), and some abnormal ones. So I have to go to a specialist"(Aug. 15, 1999). A few pages later it says I went to a hemotologist and he couldn't figure it out so he said, "Don't worry about it." Nice.
I'm sort of in a little bit of a pissed off/sad mood right now. I'm not sure why Why can't I have a normal brain? Oh yeah cause I'm Anastasia weirdo Spiecker. If I were my old self I would be having a drink right now and pushing the pain deeper. But I am not in my old self. I have made a commitment to my new self and I'm sticking to it. I can at least give this thing called "life" a try. There are disappointments but so what? There are also angels.
So here is where I was mentally/psychologically/spiritually about nine years ago from the day I learned about the tumor (2.1.09). The dream is quite ironic.
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February 2, 2000
You know what I realized? Its that I write basically what's going on, what my life is like, what I'm feeling (kind of), yet I don't write many of my thoughts at all. I think so annoyingly much, yet I write so little [of my thoughts]. It's just that some of my thoughts are so short, incomplete almost, yet they hang over my head indefinitely, define the way I see things- consciously or not. Maybe if I took the time to form those thoughts into words, attempted to describe what [?...], I don't know how, it would come easier for me, in my mind, to make sense of these thoughts. Instead I just end up writing I did this, then this and Anthony said this, and I said this. I have made this journal to be so event filled that I have neglected the reflective benefits of keeping [a journal]. That it's not just about what you did, and what happens, but how you feel about things, what things look like to you. I guess it is really what ever a person makes of it.
One of the main things these days is a feeling of disconnectedness from my family, from people in general, even Anthony at times. Especially from myself. I try to remember as far back as I can, try to pick out memories, things that happened when I was younger, what I identified with. And I can't know if I was more me now or then. And where am I? What is now? Is the collection of redundant, everyday events, life? Is the world inside each of our brains, hearts, skin, is that, in essence our life? Accomplishments?
At times I feel so stable and steady and calm- everything's going well, everyone's healthy, life is ahead of me, life is now, I have a wonderful family, a boyfriend I love and loves me, is so good to me. Then all of a sudden, something snaps and my arms reach out and try to grab something, anything to hold on to. I get so uncertain, so anxious, so scared. Life in itself becomes something I have to do. Everything, even the most mundane, is a task, a chore. I feel like I can't keep up and then I start wondering what I am trying to keep up with?? What is the point?
I get scared of being scared, scared of death, scared of life, sacred of my anger and where it comes from, scared of my needs, scared of not doing anything worthwhile. I get sad and upset and it's awful. I've prayed about this. I can't help but wonder if I don't bring this upon myself? I have to go- going to dinner....
February 10, 2000
My Dream
I had this dream Tuesday night. I was staring up at the hospital against the night sky and somehow I knew that God was going to show me something in the sky. The stars got bright and twinkling and it was so beautiful. Next thing I know I feel myself leave my body. I think in my dream because though I am in my room and [my view is from up] high, it looks different. I feel funny, kind of floating around, swimming almost, the air thick or something. But then I'm like, well, what am I looking for? Things look the same.
Then I look out my window and see so many prisoners! People in black and white striped uniforms and hats just sitting all over the yard. I get a little unnerved and go to the bathroom. I try to turn on the light and it won't turn on! Then I go to my mom's and dad's room and ask them to help me. Then I tell my mom that I felt like I had visited an alter-reality in a dream [though I'm still dreaming]. She said, "Be careful!"
Then I woke up and as I first opened my eyes my view was higher than where it would have been from where my body lay! Then it quickly fell lower to the normal point of view.
For a while, I was a bit unnerved by this [dream], somewhat scared. But the next night I read in the Bible about God showing people things and I remembered also, that in my dream, while I was lifting out [of my body] I was praying to Jesus to be with me and protect me. So maybe I was being shown something. I don't know. It occurred to me that the striped outfits were prisoner outfits. Then I thought maybe these people had been in chains by their money, jealousy, anger, lust, etc. and they were literally really not free.
And the light not being able to turn on made sense. Jesus is the light. Maybe the dream represented separation from God- maybe that is what I was being shown. That's just what came to mind.
I've been reading the Bible daily and I feel so much more peaceful. Usually where I'd be worried or scared, I feel peace. I just open the Bible and start reading and the words give me such relief. My mind goes from [squiggly line] to [straight line] - relaxed. Maybe relaxed isn't the right word- do you know what I mean?? His love brings tears to my eyes. It's amazing.
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Do you guys recognize this symbol? I saw it the other night. This is Flagler Hospital. (The hospital in my dream from 2000).
