Yes- what is going on with that guy above is something similar to what was going on with me for many hours now. It started last night and continued on throughout today. I did not sleep yet! I experienced mood swing after mood swing, mostly sadness, frustration, manic, agitation, okay, repeat. My body/mind is tired! Thank you (not really) decadron (pre-chemo drug) + prednisone! Not the best combination for one of such a sensitive chemistry as I. On the bright side, if Music Therapy does not work out, I can be the poster child for BiPolar! I took four videos throughout this experience- each one shows quite a different character. In fact, my mom said I might even fit into the "multiple personality" poster child category. I am praying for a good night's sleep tonight. I am definitely going to take an Ambien. Feel free to disregard the kookiness of these past few blogs, or feel free to appreciate the many-facets of my nature that are revealed when I am on steriods. ;p
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Oh My, Today Has Been CRAZY
Posted by admin on 8/18/09
Yes- what is going on with that guy above is something similar to what was going on with me for many hours now. It started last night and continued on throughout today. I did not sleep yet! I experienced mood swing after mood swing, mostly sadness, frustration, manic, agitation, okay, repeat. My body/mind is tired! Thank you (not really) decadron (pre-chemo drug) + prednisone! Not the best combination for one of such a sensitive chemistry as I. On the bright side, if Music Therapy does not work out, I can be the poster child for BiPolar! I took four videos throughout this experience- each one shows quite a different character. In fact, my mom said I might even fit into the "multiple personality" poster child category. I am praying for a good night's sleep tonight. I am definitely going to take an Ambien. Feel free to disregard the kookiness of these past few blogs, or feel free to appreciate the many-facets of my nature that are revealed when I am on steriods. ;p 
The Other Side/Conversations With Myself
Posted by admin on 8/17/09
In the quiet of the night...crept out the "other side." Sitting in the silence of my dimly lit room, I became aware of some feelings beneath "the surface." I calmed down and "came down." Then I began to write.
The "Problem" Is Not the Cancer
I have reached the end of firstline chemotherapy for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Mom came into my room tonight to tell me that I have been brave and strong. She is proud of me. I believe that she is right. I have been brave and strong in certain ways. I am proud of me too...for the most part. But the concept of "proud" doesn't really apply to the feelings/thoughts that are going through my head right now. At least I don't think it does.
The thing is, I have a feeling that cancer and even death are not my greatest fears. I think my greatest fear, the thorn in my side, is the recurrent pain in my heart- a metaphorical, psychological, "spiritual" pain. I fear the emptiness and hunger that haunts my soul like a phantom. Or, like a cancer, which not even chemotherapy can put into remission. You get the picture. It comes and goes. I don't want my life to be destroyed by it.
There is doubt, also, self-doubt, creeping upon me now. Can I truly begin to live from a renewed sense of life's beauty and my own personal "mission" here? Will I have the strength not to resume old, unfulfilling, ultimately isolating patterns? Cancer gave me a big kick in the *** and forced me to change some things about the way I was living life. And, as a result, I have experienced a greater peace than I was experiencing previously.
For one thing, being "sick" made it easier and more natural to live in closer connection to God and my "truer self." Especially at my most vunlnerable moments, I had no choice but to surrender. Another thing is, though I cannot honestly say I was completely successful with this, undergoing chemotherapy treatment has also forced me to repress/say "no" to my Dionysian instincts (particularly, excessive wine consumption upon occasion), quite a bit, which I recognize to be a really good thing. Part of me occasionally wonders if I like alcohol a little too much (i.e. am I an "alcoholic"?) Of course I do not want to come out and say that is the case, because then something that I really enjoy on several levels would be taken out of my life. And that would be such an extreme decision- to cut out something all together. I would prefer a moderate solution- a "middle way" is often the most reasonable and wise way to go. Spoken like a true excuse maker! Now I am getting off the subject.
In any case....I will now respond to myself using a more positive and wise voice, or different aspect of my personality. (And you thought I just had bi-polar...)
Dear Anastasia,
You have just come out of something that would be very challenging for anyone. Of course, you are not entirely "out of the woods yet." There is still additional medical treatment to come, BUT a HUGE STEP TOWARD RECOVERY has been made.
Do not be so quick to dismiss all the growth that has taken place over the last seven months! I understand that you are scared about what it is going to be like re-entering "normal life." I also understand how important it is to you to be true to your true self. I know of your fear that that your true self will all too easily and quickly buried under a pile of "crap." Have more faith in your true self and let it shine stronger within you. I know that you want to feel free, more like you did as a child and young teenager. You want to be Free to write, sing, play, dance, and just be you! It makes you sad when you feel stuck in the part of you that casts judgements on who and where you are in life, from a more worldly perspective. It makes you unhappy when you live in self-condemnation. That causes a trapped feeling, as well as tends to push you toward repetative thinking and trapped behavior.
You are not a lion in a cage here! Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much potential and power you actually have at your fingertips? Do you know how much dust those self-judgements are, which make you feel so trapped? I will blow that dust right out of your eyes if you will let me! Why not focus on your STRENGTHS? You have many! And you are NOT ALONE! Do you know how many angels are surrounding you at this very moment? Do you know that all you have to do is reach out and someone will be there to help you? Do you know HOW STRONG you really are? Believe this and know: If and when you truly decide to make a change you CAN and WILL!
Finally, do not get too far ahead of yourself! How about taking this one moment and one day at a time? You are really doing GREAT. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at this moment. And I am proud of and happy for you. I am excited for the beautiful life that you are living and the life to come. You are doing great things, even now! So, don't worry, just rest in me. And go to sleep already, for goodness' sake!
;)
More about → The Other Side/Conversations With Myself
The "Problem" Is Not the Cancer
I have reached the end of firstline chemotherapy for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Mom came into my room tonight to tell me that I have been brave and strong. She is proud of me. I believe that she is right. I have been brave and strong in certain ways. I am proud of me too...for the most part. But the concept of "proud" doesn't really apply to the feelings/thoughts that are going through my head right now. At least I don't think it does.
The thing is, I have a feeling that cancer and even death are not my greatest fears. I think my greatest fear, the thorn in my side, is the recurrent pain in my heart- a metaphorical, psychological, "spiritual" pain. I fear the emptiness and hunger that haunts my soul like a phantom. Or, like a cancer, which not even chemotherapy can put into remission. You get the picture. It comes and goes. I don't want my life to be destroyed by it.
There is doubt, also, self-doubt, creeping upon me now. Can I truly begin to live from a renewed sense of life's beauty and my own personal "mission" here? Will I have the strength not to resume old, unfulfilling, ultimately isolating patterns? Cancer gave me a big kick in the *** and forced me to change some things about the way I was living life. And, as a result, I have experienced a greater peace than I was experiencing previously.
For one thing, being "sick" made it easier and more natural to live in closer connection to God and my "truer self." Especially at my most vunlnerable moments, I had no choice but to surrender. Another thing is, though I cannot honestly say I was completely successful with this, undergoing chemotherapy treatment has also forced me to repress/say "no" to my Dionysian instincts (particularly, excessive wine consumption upon occasion), quite a bit, which I recognize to be a really good thing. Part of me occasionally wonders if I like alcohol a little too much (i.e. am I an "alcoholic"?) Of course I do not want to come out and say that is the case, because then something that I really enjoy on several levels would be taken out of my life. And that would be such an extreme decision- to cut out something all together. I would prefer a moderate solution- a "middle way" is often the most reasonable and wise way to go. Spoken like a true excuse maker! Now I am getting off the subject.
In any case....I will now respond to myself using a more positive and wise voice, or different aspect of my personality. (And you thought I just had bi-polar...)
Dear Anastasia,
You have just come out of something that would be very challenging for anyone. Of course, you are not entirely "out of the woods yet." There is still additional medical treatment to come, BUT a HUGE STEP TOWARD RECOVERY has been made.
Do not be so quick to dismiss all the growth that has taken place over the last seven months! I understand that you are scared about what it is going to be like re-entering "normal life." I also understand how important it is to you to be true to your true self. I know of your fear that that your true self will all too easily and quickly buried under a pile of "crap." Have more faith in your true self and let it shine stronger within you. I know that you want to feel free, more like you did as a child and young teenager. You want to be Free to write, sing, play, dance, and just be you! It makes you sad when you feel stuck in the part of you that casts judgements on who and where you are in life, from a more worldly perspective. It makes you unhappy when you live in self-condemnation. That causes a trapped feeling, as well as tends to push you toward repetative thinking and trapped behavior.
You are not a lion in a cage here! Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much potential and power you actually have at your fingertips? Do you know how much dust those self-judgements are, which make you feel so trapped? I will blow that dust right out of your eyes if you will let me! Why not focus on your STRENGTHS? You have many! And you are NOT ALONE! Do you know how many angels are surrounding you at this very moment? Do you know that all you have to do is reach out and someone will be there to help you? Do you know HOW STRONG you really are? Believe this and know: If and when you truly decide to make a change you CAN and WILL!
Finally, do not get too far ahead of yourself! How about taking this one moment and one day at a time? You are really doing GREAT. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing at this moment. And I am proud of and happy for you. I am excited for the beautiful life that you are living and the life to come. You are doing great things, even now! So, don't worry, just rest in me. And go to sleep already, for goodness' sake!
;)
