It's been quite a busy, fun, and exciting Friday and Saturday. On Friday I turned twenty-five (thank you, thank you, I had so much to do with it ;p) and Tiffany graduated Summa Cum Laude with a special award from the Social and Behavioral Sciences department!!!! She also had the highest GPA in that department. Go, Tiffany, go!!! I am going to miss Tiffany as she goes off to Europe in early May and then to NYC soon after that, but I am so proud of and happy for my lil' sis!!!!! We're like half of one person anyway, even in we are opposites! So even if I am "stuck" here for a while, part of me is off adventuring and forging brave new paths!
I had a very nice twenty-fifth birthday. It was great to get to spend it with such wonderful folks. I have been feeling extra weird lately. I don't know if it is the chemo, or my brain chemistry, or something else entirely. I think I have felt it before. I have. Maybe it is even lame to bring it up, because I am lucky to be doing so well. But I want to try to put words to this feeling. It is like a feeling of ultra-disconnection and a slight nagging sense of discomfort about that. It's like I am trying to appear interested and involved, and I want to be, but my mind is just not there. And this feeling like I don't really have anything much, if it all to contribute, even conversation wise. I feel extremely un-opinionated and vague. Like the act that is "me" is such a sham that I can't even believe it anymore. Like I'm trying to grab something and it's just not there. Time just keeps moving along and occasionally it freaks me the **** out. I guess I'm not doing enough drugs. Ha ha ha. I'm just kidding. Chemotherapy is the drug these days.
My thoughts of the future...I would like to attend the Music Therapy program at FSU hopefully next Spring. In the meantime, I should read, read, read up on it and become more aware of what it is all about. What I want to do is be with people in a helpful way, somehow using music to help. Music helps me. When I was watching the graduation on the screen in the auditorium, the shots of all the different people in the crowd, struck me as both interesting and immensely disturbing. I don't know how to describe the feeling precisely....but it is, on one level, this frustration at the inadaquecy of words to communicate experience. We talk, we go about our lives, we work, we play, we whatever, but it still the distance between us seems so vast and unsurmountable. Trapped on our own island for the rest of our lives? But..then...someone started playing the piano....and.....it made more sense. I felt some sort of harmony....the song....of the heart. There was a peace I felt when the music started. My mind stopped its frantic scramble.
Other thoughts of the future.....someday, someday.....if I am not too crazy and if I am in stable enough situation....like married, with a good job or with someone who has a good job, and in good health, I would like to adopt at least one child. Being Pooka's mama has helped me to realize that I am very nurturing and it feels natural to be like that. I also like kids, they bring out parts of my personality that I like. It would be nice to have a family. Ha ha...well I already do, but u know what I mean. The reason I think adopting would be the thing to do is because there are already so many people on this planet!! I dunno, it just seems like the right thing to do. But only if I will be able to give them a high quality life and be there for them. I might be too quiet to be a mom.
Well I guess that's enough random blabbing for now! I'm feeling pretty good except kind of tired out. I'm looking forward to playing Scarlett O' Hara's tomorrow from 12-4. I know it will go well.
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