Happy Pooka is chillin on my lap. We are sitting out on the back porch on this beautiful Easter Sunday. I am feeling the creative urge. A desire to express the thoughts that are floating around this zany mind of mine.
Why have I finally accepted my insanity, you may ask? Well there are several reasons, but one reason is that I was reading through my purple journal last night (part of it....it is long!!!). It goes back to 2004. And what I found myself reading was the ravings of a lunatic. A well meaning one, but still....No. I'm just kidding. I mean it is crazy, but that is the nature of the mind, especially mine. Ha ha ha. The thing about it I noticed was how hard I was on myself, but how even that is , in a sense, just another critique. Being hard on myself for being hard on myself. And so much sadness. I knew more than I knew I knew. And even now I know more than I know I know. But there is also a lot of beauty. And honesty. And premonition. There are about two blank pages left.
Lately (today and yesterday) I feel particularly short of breath. It makes me feel a little lightheaded. There are things I could do, places I could go, people I could see but my body is tired. It is frustrating acting like such an airhead all the time too. My mind is just extra scattered lately and I have trouble remembering things. It doesn't matter. It is what it is.
I have a PET/CT scan scheduled for Wednesday morning. Hopefully then my doctor will be able to give me a little more detail about my prognosis. Many people have told me I need to believe I am going to be cured, be more vocal about being healed, etc., etc. But I am just not that type of person I guess. I am trying. But I feel like I have a big tumor in my chest. And it's okay. I can accept that. I just want the truth.
I read yesterday that there are two types of NSHL (Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma). Type 1 and type 2. One is easier to cure. I would like to know which kind I have and why none of the doctors I have seen have told me.
Nancy Mitford, English writer, died of Hodgkin's disease in 1973.
Paul Allen, Microsoft co-founder, was diagnosed and treated for Hodgkin's lymphoma in 1983.
Lynden David Hall died of Hodgkin's lymphoma in 2006.
Delta Goodrem, Australian singer, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in July 2003.
Richard Harris, Irish actor died from the condition in 2002
Dinu Lipatti, the Romanian pianist, died of Hodgkin's disease in 1950, 33 years old.
Mario Lemieux, National Hockey League superstar, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma in 1993.
8:39 P.M.
Hello, hello. It is me and I am itching like crazy as usual (at least for the past year or so, generally at night). If it is you, Anastasia, reading this later in life, do not forget this itching and whatever karmic lesson it is trying to teach your stubborn self. ;) I have much love and compassion for you, Anastasia….. I do. See this itching as a lesson, though. It reminds you to be humble and it reminds you that this plane is not where you want to be forever and ever amen! It is filled with inevitable suffering- painful emotions like jealousy, lust, greed- you know them well enough- haunt and sicken this plane with grief. As nice as your ego would like to dress things up, you are made to see and feel the shallowness of the pleasure you can experience while in its clutches. You also see despite moments of freedom, of bliss, of beauty…how quickly, oh how quickly those claws do all that they can to sink back into your skin. Yow! Does that ego have a bite! And a fierce magnetism to the animal-like being you currently are on this plane.
Let’s not dwell too much on that, though. Yet, be ever so aware of it. That is the point of this, really. I am feeling that it would not be a bad idea to record some of the content of the higher perspective I gain from time to time. It is increasingly becoming my reality, but I must admit, I feel the pull back toward the conditioned-self and it is oh so strong that it is hard not to demonize it, describing it as having claws, and so forth. Let this be a lesson….embrace opportunities to leave your comfort zone, and I mean genuine “leaves of absences,” not just embracing your comfort zone in a slightly different guise. There is life, real life, new depths of experiences available to you, if you would only have greater faith and if you would be willing to take more emotional risks. But you are doing good…a little bit at a time, and actually sometimes, some big bits, so keep that in mind as well. You have come a long way, in certain ways. I guess I am saying…don’t forget where you came from, lest you repeat it. But don’t dwell on it either. See the past as an indicator of where you could benefit most from growth, do your best to learn the lessons, and let it go. No need to magnetize it by demonizing it. Kind of opposite from what I said at the beginning, huh? Well, do I look like the type of being who provides straight-forward answers….didn’t think so.
Really, this itching is a kind of suffering. I know it is evidence of how spoiled I am that I perceive this itching as suffering, but it is just not a pleasurable experience, really. It makes it so I can hardly sleep sometimes. And even as I am writing this, I am tempted to scratch, rub, whatever, just so it will go away. I sort of think that at some level I asked for it though…as a teacher. Teach me with subtle suffering to let go of this dead shell that is my ego-self. Oh teach me while I am here on this plane how to be free! Let me fly from this body of aches, of wounds, of unfulfilled longing, let me fly into the arms of my Beloved. Oh how I long to be free to love, just love!!!! No fear, no jealousy, no hiding, no thoughts, just LOVE, pure and powerful LOVE. I am crazy for love. I really am. I want the real thing. Real bliss. Real peace. Real, real, real. Give it to me real. That is what I truly want. Counterfeits are quickly losing their appeal. I see the open snare behind their seductive appearances. It is my mind playing tricks on me. Even envy looks good from a distance. But trust me, you do not want her around. She will destroy you if you let her. Don’t let her. You are a god, in your own right, don’t serve her, serve the Divine. Serve the god of Life, Truth, and Love- the god that will lead you and others out of this plane and onto a higher level of being. From dissonance to harmony, from grief to joy, from chaos to peace. Don’t be afraid. Just be of a vibrant, willing, heart and devote yourself to freedom.
