Okay so I have been thinking (first mistake), my personal "heaven" (previous blog entry) sounds very shallow. It is hard to convey why that dream was as fun and exciting as it was. What made me think of heaven was "my Father's house has many rooms," you know. And it was a mansion. I have had another dream kind of like the one last night...a big mansion that I am a guest in, like a really fancy party house. I sure hope my mind gives me a break in heaven. It can be any kind of house, as long as I can leave my personal hell at the door, I am fine with it. It's not so bad...I'll try to explain....it's like I have all this mental, creative energy but I feel so uninspired and unmotivated to do anything with it. My mind is also preoccupied the knowledge that this body is fighting for it's life. I wish I could just forget or just do something worthwhile. I am having a hard time just "be-ing." I feel like I need or want to prove something. Accomplish something. Yet at the same time I feel creatively paralyzed. Ugh. I'm bored. I have a feeling of imminent disolution and I am finding it utterly uninspiring.My relationship with life is changing. I am life, changing. I am life-changing. I am changing life. Life, I am changing.
Shouting life. Crying life. Beating life like a drum. Pumping life through my veins. Waiting on life hand and foot. Digesting life. Converting life. Protesting life. Defining life. Confining life. Refining life. Revealing life. Reveling in life.
Life maker. Deal breaker. Chance taker. Big faker. Mover and shaker. Now or later.
Life drinking. Life dependent. Under the influence of Life. Life o' holic.
Something. Nothing. And a million shades of grey. How is that dam word spelt anyweigh?
Repeat, repeat, repeat, and again I say, repeat.
New language, new city, new sex, new body, new skill, new challenge, new time zone, new solar system, new battle, new game, new playing piece, new puzzle, new picture, new eye color, new pain, new pleasure.
It ain't out there.
