I am so....shattered.
I feel like there is a knife in my heart.
I cried for hours today. I couldn't stop.
I don't feel like crying anymore.
I feel like expressing my truth.
I ****ing hate this ****.
I am pissed at the way things are going for my friends.
I wonder how when things start looking like that....you don't just end it.
I don't want them to do that. But...God...how can you ask us
to hang on to each little thread of this ****ing joke.
How humiliating. How banal. How painful.
There have been beautiful breakthrough moments. There have. And I am grateful.
But what do I do with these moments at which all I can think is "God I hate hate hate my life."
And that thought breaks my heart. I am sorry for thinking it. But I can't help it sometimes.
I am sorry because I love the people in my life. And I don't want to cause others pain.
I am just in so much pain myself. It is so hard to sit here with it. But there is nowhere for me to go. I am pinned here like a poisoned insect.
The thing about this ****ing place, is everything is a repeat. Everything is made out of the same shapes, patterns, goes through the same cycles. The inevitable is death and decay. It is a big joke. If you are the one laughing it is fun. I used to think it was kind of funny. I used to sit around and laugh about it. I thought that I would always be able to evade the pain. Push it off. Shrug it off. But it is here, God it is here. And it is all I can do not to be suffocated by the intensity of it.
Part of me used to be afraid to write **** like that because...what if it becomes literal...what if it comes true? Well I can't live being afraid of my voice....and what I might say...what I might write...what I might do. I have written things that have come true. But if I don't say anything than I am as good as dead already.
When I was in the hospital, I dreamt of a cemetary. It was in a friend's front yard, a friend from when I was a kid. She gestured at it, she told me that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, death.
