Just looking at the date earlier and talking about Burns night and had a flicker of a memory!
This time last year I was preparing for surgery to have my tumour removed. I went out to the pub with the Third-Space crowd for a Burns night celebration and watched them eat the Haggis and drink the Whisky whilst I sipped my fizzy water.
I remember feeling terrified and reading my blog over again just now I saw the level of people surrounding me that day and for the few days before.
http://tonysonghurst.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-41-wed-200110.html
Not great memories of what was to come but great memories of family, friends and amazing fellowship. I wrote poetry earlier in the day which summed up my feelings and the fears I had...
I am scared now and cant seem to shake it
Be scared and fearful
Be loving and caring
Sitting in my room
I feel alone with God
He tells me it is okay to be scared
He tells me that it is okay for me to cry
So I am and I do
A discovery about myself - I met with an astrologer yesterday and during our chat I determined that my fear experienced all those months ago was no more.
I am not scared and am comfortable with that...I wasn't before as thought that I should be full of woe and felt it a bit weird but a recent visit to the Ashgate and some prayer (actually quite alot of prayer) at Third-Space, at Tansley Methodist during a healing service, at the bandstand, at the rare occasion I seem to get to Matlock Moor and at home, I am devoid of fear as I am aware there is a plan and a path I am to follow.
One other thing... I am aware that my 'traditional' care team are doing all they can and have the greatest respect for their knowledge but also aware that there are other ways out there. I am not accepting the inoperable tag and the eventual terminal nature of my illness. Just because the medical profession believe 'they' cant heal what I have it doesn't mean it can't be healed...
God Bless all and a safe journey to all the Third-Space crew off to Blubberhouses for a weekend away of spiritual enlightenment...Fran, Charlotte and I were supposed to be away too but not really up to it...my internal workings seem to be all over the place, my chest and breathing is mildly erratic and don't want to risk being too far away from home...they will all be missed and in our thoughts and prayers.
T xx
