OK, this may sound cheezy or contrived BUT this is how I feel.
I feel like I have been in this relationship with life (you know, me, human, life, life) and these days when I have B symptoms, I feel like, well, I feel like Life is trying to break up with me!
I feel like my teenage life-early adulthood, I was not appreciative enough of life....I thought life was kind of lame....I did not see myself in the context of the whole world...I only could see myself at the time within a very small context, which is sad, but true. And could I really have helped it? I don't know! I "grew up" in a small town. In another sense I was exposed to a very broad context, when I would stumble upon and be attracted to things like the Tao Te Ching (Borders), book on Zen (SJRCC), Joseph Campbell (Jacksonville Public Library). It is strange how I remember precisely where I stumbled on these keys. And not so strange I guess.
I am getting off subject. Life...I feel like I was so stubborn I refused to see the good in it. Or I would see it, and it would touch me, but it would not leave a lasting impression because my own negative thoughts were so strong. I guess I am just sad because now that I see how good it can be and that it is okay to be a creative woman in this world, I can see how I could do it, how I could have a future, a good life, a happy life, well...I feel like life is trying to break up with me.
I am feel like life is trying to say "It's over." And....well I that just breaks my heart.
I want to keep going. I love what I am doing right now, what I am learning, what I am becoming. I love music school, I love the adventure of each day, I love the feeling of creativity within me. It is intoxicating. And I walk around as though I am from another planet. But I don't care. I am just tripping on this human dance. Seriously. But not literally.
Life has just become very trippy...I feel like I am in a video game...and I don't even play video games.
People die all over the world, at all different times, in all different ways. I just can't believe that the end is approaching like this for me. I am so young. Relatively speaking. I am young.
Yes I did stupid things. But you don't understand life, I want the whole thing. I want to finish grad school, I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to have kids. I don't care about the pride thing, the ego thing, well maybe a little...I just want to live.
But you are right. I don't want to live..and feel badly. If I am going to live, I would like to feel decently. If I am screwed, well let me be screwed. Sigh.
Maybe the night sweats will stay away.
They did last night, but last night I drank 3 beers. I swear, they stay away when I drink. The night before that I only had one beer. And I sweat...like the old days. It smells like urine, but not nearly as strong. I woke up in damp pajamas... it used to happen practically every night before I was diagnosed. And for a while I just laid there. When I first wake up it feels like my room is saturated in light. It is very nice. May sound strange but that is how if feels...the air feels thick with light. I can almost see it. I woke up with my chest aching also. But it is hard for me to really complain because it doesn't hurt that badly. When I think oh, it might be the "CANCER," well, yes that freaks me the fuck out, BUT I if I don't think of it that way, (as I didn't before I knew), well, it is just another feeling, there of many of them, get used to it. You know?
I am not in terrible pain. If anything, I just intermittentally throw myself into states of anxiety and guilt for the destiny that might be mine. I cannot just act like I do not know that there is a chance that I will die "young"- that is, for an American Girl, in my location, at my time. It is relative, to be certain. I want to make the most of each day I have, yes. I appreciate them now more than ever. It is amazing how thrilled I am to be in music school. Some days I wonder if I am not in Heaven already. But then I realize, "shit, I'm scared shit"...and realize I must still be on Planet Earth. Ah...Life is strange.
Blessings.
